I lost my best friend today- my pawpaw, my biggest fan. Today he got a new roll- my angel.
This was the hardest goodbye I ever had to say. It will never be followed by another “Hi Baby Doll”.
I cried today because I lost you. But I promise, these tears won’t mar the smiles that you’ve given me over the last 26 years.
I knew this day would come. I avoided it as best I could, but death is inevitable. I watched you suffered, and it broke my heart. But now I’m shattered.
My heart is broken… and you took a piece of it to heaven with you.
But somehow, life goes on. I still have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I still have to do the grocery shopping. I still have to put my glasses, get ready, take a shower & go on about my day—about my life. How am I supposed to pretend like my whole world didn’t just shatter?
I don’t know how to go on. I don’t want to do this life without you. I’ll still have celebrations. But just like I told you, I was being selfish by wanting to keep you here with me.
I have no doubt in my mind, you were put on this earth to be a grandpa, my pawpaw. I quickly had you wrapped around my fingers and I was quickly smitten with you. I’m so proud to call you, my Pawpaw. Death won’t change that.
I refuse to remember you by the last couple months. My memories of you will never include that hospital bed or the four walls I’ve grown so familiar with over the last several weeks. Instead, I’ll remember all the laughs & smiles, all the yelling at the tv because the Cardinals were being stupid, all the sleepovers, all the Christmases / Birthday’s/ Graduation’s / Celebration’s, all the cheering me on.
I got to spend 26 years of my life with you, and though it wasn’t even close to being enough time with you, I’ll treasure it always. I’m so lucky that I spent a good portion of my life with you- from afternoons after school, to dinners just because (at least once a week), to everyday in between- I never took one of those days for granted.
The last words you clearly spoke were “aye yai yai”. Your last smile was when PayPay did an “up” on your bed. Those last moments will always stick with me, but they won’t be how I remember you- I promise you that.
I know you’re in a better place with all the loved ones you lost. I know you’re having one hell of a reunion up there. I know you’re happy and pain free- and that’s what matters most to me. Go take care of Ralph for me. Say Hi to Grandpa Jean for me & help him out- your grandpa job isn’t done yet. I love you forever & ever, Pawpaw.
Thank you for letting me spend the last days of your life with you