I have such an unhealthy relationship with food (literally & figuratively).
Literally, the only healthy habit I have is drinking a ridiculous amount of water daily.
Life has taken almost everything away from me. My body is turning into a statue. I can’t walk. I can’t play sports or go to the gym. I can’t have kids or get married. While I’ve accepted almost everything that comes with my disability (big and small), I can’t 100% accept the way I look.
My appearance is the first thing people see about me. And while their first thought is probably “Wtf? That looks uncomfortable” (FYI, it is). They also notice my weight. I can put lipstick on a pig, but a pig is still a pig…. I dress it up as best I can, but my body still awkward and frumpy and carrying around a lot of extra weight.
I’ll never be able to have children. I’ll never get the joy of feeling those precious little kicks or get to hear the pitter-patter of my child’s first heartbeat. I’ve accepted adoption or foster-adoption or surrogacy- but I’ll still get to have a family.
I’ll never get to walk down the aisle at my wedding. One, because I literally can’t walk. Two, because being on SSI/Disability (which is literally my only way of surviving), I can’t get married, or it’ll take away my eligibility. I’ll still live a life full of love.
My body is turning into a statue and the artist is a sadistic @$$h0!3. I don’t get a choice on how my body locks or looks. There are certain features that seem to just “come with the disease.” There are weird pieces of bone sticking out everywhere, my back is a solid piece of bone & I can’t move my neck, hips, knee or jaw….
But you know what I can control? What I eat. Eating is my favorite pastime. I get to pick what I enjoy (like five things) and what I don’t (basically everything). It’s one of the few things 100% in my control. It’s unhealthy really, just how much emphasis I put on my $#!+ diet. But, it’s my way to connect with my peers. It’s one of the few interests we have in common where I can 100% participate without disrupting the task.
While I eat worse than most 5-year-olds, it just is what it is. I’ve made it clear to every doctor I’ve ever seen- it’s not something that they’re going to change. And they all accept that & do what they can to work around that.
But the bottom line is- I need to get some of the weight to help preserve what little movement & freedom I have left. I know, I need to lose weight. I know, I can’t exercise to get the weight off. I know I can’t complain because I refuse to take the steps that are in my control. It also doesn’t help that 90% of the medications I’m on “cause weight gain.” Losing weight is literally nearly impossible. I have every aspect working against me, except the one I refuse to budge on.
I want to lose the weight. I need to lose the weight- for me to be happy with what control I do have over my appearance.
Life has taken a lot of my joy, it’s not taking my food too.
**Yes, I’m aware this piece probably makes you roll your eyes or makes you want to “shake some sense” into me. I know it probably seems a little bratty that I won’t change my diet. I know my ways are extremely unhealthy and my relationship with food is borderline obsessive, and probably seems extreme to you. We can have this conversation until your blue in the face, but it won’t change anything **
Carli Lyn 