Whenever people ask me what I miss most in life, it isn’t being able to walk without assistance or all the obnoxious pain I’m in– it’s always been “I wish I could do my own hair” or “I wish I could go to Target on my own.”
Now that probably seems extremely minute & unimportant to you. But let me explain to you why its not either of those things.
For me, being able to do my own ponytail & drive myself to Target are two very important things even though they probably seem silly & trivial. To me, they mean independence. To me, they are two of my favorite things to do.
Are either of these going to change the trajectory of my life? No. But they are going to make me happy. They are going to give me the independence I so desperately crave.
They are some of my biggest hopes & dreams. I think you’re starting to get the picture, but I’m not done explaining.
I love hair. I love playing with & doing hair. And I’m good at it, dammit. In another life, I could easily see myself being a hairdresser. But I don’t have the luxury of pulling my hair back when it’s getting on my last nerve or when the humidity gets to be too much. I can’t throw it in a bun to wash my face or just because. I can’t try out the latest style trends or curl my hair because it would “match my outfit”. Doing hair brings me such joy, & it’s a daily reminder of everything I can’t do.
I love Target. It is my happy place- wondering aimlessly for hours & buying all the random things I didn’t know I needed until I showed up makes me so happy, I’m not able to make a quick run because I’m out of ice cream or treat myself to a leisurely Target run after a bad day. I always have to hope I can talk someone into taking me to Target.
I’m lucky enough that I surrounded myself with people who understand this struggle and come to me to do their hair because they know how much I love it. Or go out of their way to include me in a Target run. I’m fully aware that it’s not always convenient for them to ask or include me in these things, and I’ll forever be grateful for my tribe.
I can handle the pain (most of the time) & the stares & the countless hours of waiting in the doctor’s office. I can handle the insane amount of medicine & specialized equipment. It’s the small things that break me.
It’s the small things that you probably never think twice about or that you do every day that upset me most. Because I wish more than anything that I could throw my hair in a messy bun & do a target run. So next time you do just that, think of me & hope like hell that scientists can figure out-how one day, I can do just that.
Carli Lyn 