5 Things I Want You Know As I Battle Chronic Illness

1. This isn’t the life I chose & it’s a battle every day.

I didn’t get a choice; this life chose me. Someday it seems impossible to fight the invisible demon, but I’ll fight it till the end of time. I was always taught that I could do anything I set my mind to, so it’s never (and I do mean never) accorded to me to give up– and it never will.

2. I’m not always going to be positive, but I can promise I’m always searching for the positive. 

Sometimes it’s hard to be positive when life is throwing you a million curve balls. I’ve ran out hands to catch all the balls, but I’ve learned to improvise. Many situations I find myself in are inevitably negative, but I learned from an early age that there is always a positive, somewhere, somehow. So while, at times, it seems I’m looking at something half-empty, I can promise you that I am trying my hardest to find the half-full

3. My future is uncertain, and that scares me.

 Being a planner, the uncertainty scares me. I don’t even know what tomorrow brings, let alone what my five-year plan looks like. I can tell you what my future kids name are, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance to be a mom (I’ll find a way, that I can promise you). Since my condition is progressive, I can’t tell you what tomorrow brings or how I’ll feel, and the uncertainty alone is enough to bury me. I’m trying to live the life I’ve always dreamed out, but it’s an uphill battle everyday.  

4. I have to choose my battles- it’s the only way to survive.

I’ve tried being the people pleaser– it doesn’t work. Fighting any disease is scary, fighting a rare disease all on your own? That’s worse than anything you can imagine. I’ve learned that in order to get the best quality of life, I have to listen to what my body is telling me, even if that means upsetting someone, and sometimes that’s yourself. I’ve always had to remind myself, if someone is  meant to be in your life, they’ll understand that it took every ounce of strength you had to cancel plans. Some battles take every ounce of energy that you had for the next 7 days, and half of those aren’t worth the pain.

5. I’m trying my absolute best.

Somedays it doesn’t seem like it, I know, but trust me, I am. I will never show you just how much this life takes out of me– it would scare even my parents away. But, I am trying, to not only be the best person possible, but also happy & healthy- most days I only get to pick one of those choices.